Similar to real estate listings, equine advertisements are a minefield of clever wording and creative, albeit liberal uses of the thesaurus. Sellers want to cover any flaw with rose petals and soothing words. Because of this, common phrases are easily mistaken for something completely different. All in good fun, here are a few accurate translations of common equine advertisements’ phrases:

Athletic – has no problem going every direction at once with or without you on, similar to a child’s bouncy ball

Attention-getting – pretty but dangerous; look from a safe distance; keep your children away

Beautiful Color – see “attention getting”

Breathtaking – takes away the breath of the gate person and the crowd with their “athletic” ability, see “athletic”

Broodmare – not safe to ride, either injured or dangerous, but looks pretty and has okay breeding

Cow Horse Bred – bred for it, not gonna do it

Draft Type – (1) bucking stock (2) massive rock

Easy To Clip – needs 3 people, sedative and to be twitched before you even come near them with scissors

Good Ground Manners – has not run over a small child … yet

Grade Quarter Horse – (1) no clue which stud got loose with the mares or (2) not a quarter horse

Great For The Farrier – ran out of good things to say about the horse

Great In Pasture – lives out in the open because they can not be caught

Honest – will not cow kick you as you fall to the ground

Little – miniature horse

Loves To Work – only ridden for 20 minutes at a time, and in those 20 minutes, no one died

More Whoa Than Go – snail speed; may need two whips, spurs AND some help from the ground

Moves Off Your Leg – do not, and I repeat DO NOT, put leg on because you will be in the dirt fast

Not Spooky, Just Hot – spooky.

Patterned On Barrels – trotted around the barrels once, almost killed someone, didn’t try that again

Perfect For The Whole Family – (1) thoroughly sedated before every ride or (2) over 30 years old and can walk 5-10 feet in 10 minutes

Rider Ready To Move Up – owner wants to get rid of the horse before the vet bills pile up

Up To Date – Maybe got vaccinated in the past five years; probably needs a farrier; not likely to have teeth done; never dewormed

Sassy Mare – the real word they are looking for starts with a b

Would Make A Good … [insert discipline here] Horse – never tried that discipline, does not know what it takes for the discipline, but knows that horse is not safe for the current discipline

These translations are meant as a joke, even if there is a little truth. Every horse has their flaws and achievements, and a cowgirl loves their horses through every moment. Cheers to every perfectly imperfect horse!